No-one deserves to be lonely

When you feel alone, really alone, something inside cries, really cries.  Its an isolation that hurts.  And an ache that seems inconsolable.

It's hard not to feel angry with the degree of self pity that loneliness brings; particularly when you know you have those around you who really love you - warts'n'all.  As much as you tell yourself that, and as much as you love those people back, the bleakness of loneliness all too often refuses to subside, refuses to listen to your logic, to be convinced by your arguments ... instead it lingers ...it haunts and it devours.  Selfishly.

When did I learn to become so dissatisfied, so angry at myself, so critical of what has not been done, or indeed has? ... what "is not"; or is.

Life is so short and I have so much to be thankful for, but my mind .... my mind sometimes blackens all that is wonderful, all that I cherish and reminds me that at the end of the day, I'm alone, really alone.

Sometimes I want to scream.  I want to cry ... really cry ... let it all out - this intense emotion that I can't explain.

I have no idea what real loneliness in, how do people survive it?  What must life be really like for that abandoned young person on the street or that old man pushing the cart.  Is it necessary that we all at times feel their pain?  Why shouldn't we.

I just want it to go away.  I know tomorrow, things will be different.  It doesn't last ... thank god ... it doesn't last ... it will pass.

I'm one of the lucky ones.

When the black dog calls

Black dog came calling today.  I know why and it's positive, not negative at all - somehow you would think that that would make it easier to deal with; but it doesn't. And it doesn't make it any easier for your loved ones either.

It's hard to explain why you can't "just snap yourself out of it".  It's hard to explain why knowing what is happening and that it will pass doesn't seem at the time to make much difference.  It allows you to echo the usual words to those around you, begging them to not  take it personally, but they do ... and you know its your fault, because if you could control it, it wouldn't be so difficult for them.  And it always is.

Sometimes you want to just go into a room, shut yourself away and bide your time.  Other times there's a battle going on in your head and you just want to pull your hair out and scream.  Other times you just want to cry, or eat, or drink it all away.  Sometimes you just want to run, but you don't know where to.  Whatever it is, you don't want people around you.  Not because you don't want them there, but because you don't want to see what it does to them, whether it upsets them, makes them angry, frustrates them or causes them to think it's about something they've done or something they're not ... and of course it never is.

Nobody can really understand it unless they've been through it.  For some people it's situational, stricken with intermittent panic or anxiety attacks, for others it's like a wave that you can feel mounting until it reaches its peak ... at which point it stays ... lingers ... hangs in there, for what seems a lifetime ... before finally, it crashes you back down into reality, some sense of normalcy, letting you go ... so you can breathe again.  A weight lifted, a calmness ... until next time.

I watch it with my father, I can see it happening ... I sense it first ... withdrawn, dark, barking at my mother as if she's some annoying stranger for whom he's never cared ... his face will then go red, his brow furrow and holding his head in his hands he'll start to ever-so-slightly moan - trying to cope, while we watch, knowing what's coming, preparing ourselves for what lies ahead.

And here I am ... trying to comfort myself with all the reasons as to why this too will pass, and why it's not the black dog - visiting me.  I can so easily explain this, I know why this is happening but there's still that fear ... why can't I control this better, why do I let it hurt me so much, control me.  Why can't I just snap out of it, why do I let it effect me, effect those I love.  Why do I let it steal so much of my time, precious precious time.

Black dog, why do they call you black dog? ... maybe because you come, stay a while and then leave .... only to return ... black ... so very very black ... dark ... brooding ... feeding on the very essence of who we are ... gnawing away at every ounce of strength we can muster to try and fight you, to protect ourselves ... waiting, longing, dying for that moment that you will finally slip away .... satisfied ... and which point we can once again breath, once again live.  But it's short lived for we know that your hunger will only be abated for so long ... we know that you will be back, we'll sense it first and then we'll meet you one again head on ....  its a cycle ... a dark, vicious cycle and we know that there's nothing, nothing that we can do to stop it.

Sugar-coated bullies

Couldn't sleep last night. Kept thinking about people, people that over the years have made me really angry.

I don't usually get angry - externally. One of the curses of being so introverted I suspect.  Instead, I bottle it up inside until it becomes toxic, I torment myself with replays almost like someone is continually hitting the rewind/play buttons just to punish me and when it gets to the point that I just can't cope anymore - I'm out of there.  I leave.  I walk away ... and  I collapse .... internally.  Healthy huh!

And sugar-coated bullies have that effect on me.  They're the adult, cultured version of school bullies.

Sugar-coated bullies have learned the social graces that adequately mask their intent to bully ... at least for a while .. and you know what, I don't even know that this is a conscious thing;  in fact, I genuinely believe that they would be incredulous of the fact that someone even thought of them as a bully.

Their almost "sickly-sweet" over-accommodating personality is usually the first warming sign - they're "too familiar" too quickly.  The "I'm too good to be true" facade that sucks us in, plays with our head and actually has us thinking that they are.  They just suck is in ... they're so damn good at that.

I can immediately think of about 5 people who fit this bill perfectly.  Considering the number of years I've been around, I guest that's not too bad.   Perhaps I've been fortunate.  Their tactics may all be a little different but they do all have the same thing in common - their external pleasantness, "I can't do anything wrong, I'm such a good person, we get on so well" facade that gets us all in ... and you know what, I stupidly fall for it every time ... every time !! I should know better.

But I guess the fact that I'm even writing this means that I'm learning ... slowly.  Sadly.

I actually think these sugar-coated bullies are our school bullies in disguise ... just grown up.  Some will be absolutely charming (until you turn your back), others will be overbearingly friendly or familiar (but it's not real) and others will have the most amazing way of manipulating everything you say or do, or anything that goes wrong as a result into "your fault" ... ie. "I don't understand why this is happening, all we've ever tried to be is good to you".

Please tell me I'm not alone here.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel, I'm not talking about everyone who I have interacted with here or everyday tiffs, disputes, conflicts that can be resolved in a logical manner, by talking, working things through etc ... I'm talking about those one or two people you come across in life that you just can't  reason with, can't resolve issues with because of the emotional blackmail, justification and manipulation that is designed to make you think "well maybe it is me", "maybe they're right" .... um ... more like maybe I've done it again ... actually fallen into the trap ....

Listen to me, I'm pathetic ... even talking myself into questioning myself again as I write this.  That's how clever they are .. or how gullible I am :)

But I still come back to that single give-away, that tell-tale sign that brings it all back home... that one common denominator, that trait that they all share that tells me I'm right in this .... it's that sickly sweet, almost too good to be true or very familiar (before their time) way that has the ability to suck you in and then manipulate everything that is said or done to be your fault, because all they've ever tried to do is the right thing ....

I'm getting better at this, I'm not as naive as I used to be ... I'm learning that what you see is not always what you get ...

Funny isn't it ... we kinda think once we leave school, the bullying stops, and for a while, it appears to.  But unfortunately, just as we have grown up, so have the bullies, they're just better at disguising it.

Hello World

I read a blog today, it made me think ... really think.

The blogger said that it was his way of distracting himself from some of the negative stuff going on in his life. He spoke from the heart and wasn't afraid to put it out there. 

Why do people blog?  For him it was therapeutic, I suspect that's what appeals to me.

As an "off the scale introvert" I tend to spend a lot of time in my inner world of thoughts and ideas, reflections, hesitations, dreams and regrets. Journals get messy and there's something about keeping an online journal that just doesn't have the same appeal. Is it that you want someone out there to read what you have to say? Maybe. Is it that deep inside you hope that something you say will resonate with someone else? Maybe. Is it about not not having to deal with your own mortality? God even I don't know what I mean by that.

I've called this blog the imperfect rantings of an introverted perfectionist - that's me and I can't promise you I won't rant and my blogs certainly won't be perfect.

So here I am putting 'me' out to the world ... insight into another introverted persons view on the world ... that very private inner space that very few introverts will ever disclose to you in person ... maybe that's why I have shut down my profile, become anonymous ... it's safe .... maybe I don't really want anyone to know who "I" is? Yes, I know, bad grammar but hey, it made sense at the time.

For those of you that have an understanding of Myers Briggs, I'm an off-the-scale INFP ... and a methodical one at that ... who would have thought! For those of you who don't know anything about Myers Briggs it means I'm an idealist, a perfectionist, someone who will forever be frustrated by their own sense of imperfection, someone who wants to change the world for the better but of course, will have very little chance of ever doing so ... one who is fiercely introverted, private and guards personal privacy and their inner sanctum with their life ... and yet here I am blogging ...

Ah, but who is this introverted perfectionist? Maybe you won't hang around to find out, and hey that's ok. I guess this is my therapy, my reflection .. me out there while still in hiding ... I'm don't really expect this to be of any interest to anyone, but to me, it kinda feels like I'm speaking to someone, an equally hidden being ... about things that I find important, things that mean something to me and things I want to express. My god that seems self indulgent when I put it like that. See ... imperfect !

 So, if anyone really is out there, well it's nice to e-meet you ... thanks for sharing my journey ...

Oh ... and the picture ... is that me?  Oh I wish !  Images have a powerful way of reflecting your current state .. this one stood out today ... so I guess I chose it for a reason .... perhaps theres a bit of me in there after all, or at least the essence of me.  Lost you already?  Well, never really did expect this blog to be perfect - did you?